Karmic Scratch

Well, it’s all kicking off,

I call it karmic scratch,

A global, energetic purge

To get this density off our backs.

Toxity & shedding!

Astral vampires to name a few;

Riders on the storm:

The riders are me & you!!

Earth movements, solar flares,

Crazy energies abound,

Time to step up & do your work

With this chaos all around.

But though the whole collective

Passes through th’eye of the storm

And it looks pretty scary,

Rest assured it’s not the norm.

How will we all survive

All the madness that is rife?

Measures can be taken

To minimise the strife:

Don’t get caught up in stories,

Don’t get distracted by the hype,

Take it with a pinch of salt,

And don’t you start to gripe!

Join together, my dear friends,

And drop into your hearts,

Connect with Gaia daily,

And for some it helps to chant.

This too shall pass, my friends;

We chose for here to be,

We are warriors of light,

This is not finality.

Give support to one another,

A kind word, a helping hand,

Keep vibrations high,

And help all to understand

That we are one united

No matter where we’re at,

We were all born divine,

Please remember that.

We each have a different story,

Unique paths to tread,

Some recognise their blessings

While others live in dread!

But gather up your loved ones,

Ask “What can I do for you?”

Trust the process, stay in your heart,

Your dreams are coming true!

For the secret to this magic

Is to make yourself feel good,

To create the life that you desire

CUT OUT ALL THE DEAD WOOD!

So forget about scarcity

And not being good enough,

Follow your hearts’ desires, my friends,

And enjoy the human stuff!

New Earth’s a state of mind,

It’s not a brand new place,

There’s room for everybody there,

The entire human race!

This is just the start

Of the grand karmic scratch,

So keep the faith, beloveds,

Time for New Earth to hatch!!

Please support my art by sharing with your friends or on your social media, and with the simple act of clicking LIKE on the post itself…

AND…

…the thing which brings me most joy is to RECEIVE A COMMENT!!!

If only you knew how this lights up my day! ❤️

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& on Substack (@lulubelleuk).

I’m sorry it’s been so long. All sorts has been going on! But it’s high time we had a little chat…

You may or may not be aware that the planet is in the midst of a process of awakening the like of which has never been seen before. Literally.

We are awakening to who we truly are, to our original essence.

Yes – that includes you!

But for this to happen, a grand crumbling of the old systems is taking place, a global purge is in progress.

Fully underway. You may have noticed!!!

But FEAR NOT!

While the illusion box is pumping out news stories to inspire fear and feelings of victimhood and scarcity in you, those of us who are busy dancing barefoot outside in nature instead are remembering who we really are (and no, I’m not the only one!)

But you are being cordially invited to join the party!

You may have been deceived into believing the world is on the brink of collapse, that we are all being pushed into a corner and that it’s getting to the point of being every man/woman for him/herself!!

But this is not the case. It is not the truth of it.

If you cant take my word for it – why take theirs? After all, I have no motive, but they surely do!

The only way to find the truth EVER is to check in with your own heart.

It’s the only thing you can trust 100%.

The heart = no agenda.

You cant even trust your own mind unfortunately – it’s a tricksy so and so, fully under control of the ego who’s job it is to ensure you survive – often at the cost of others.

Let’s face it - you usually think you’re right, dont you?

We cant all be right though, can we?

When the ego is at the helm we are under the control of old programmes written by others decades ago who don’t know the now-us.

Written by various social and economic systems, by society, by our ancestors, etc.

Even our DNA and other lifetimes have a significant influence on our thoughts (yes, it’s true!)

No. The mind is not to be trusted when it comes to Truth.

Truth is a matter of the heart.

Truth is what resonates deeply within.

It’s a knowing.

And it comes with a sense of peace.

(By the way, if you cant trust your own heart then there is something within that needs urgent review.)

How exciting is it to choose for ourselves?

To step out of victimhood.

No matter what the matter is, to choose for ourselves once and for all.

THIS is the way to change the world for the better.

Forget what everyone else is up to and concentrate on yourself.

What is driving you? What is making you wake up at 3am in a blind panic?

Will it matter a year or two down the line?

If not, you might as well forget it right now because it’s clearly making you miserable for no good reason!

I find it helpful to remember that whenever I can feel my frequency going in a downward spiral it’s because I am not present:

I have either sailed off into the past or I’m paddling upstream into an uncertain future – neither of which will serve me well.

Being in the present is the true gift.

Obviously there is a lot to say on this subject, but instead I have downloaded a poem from Creation (creation is not a kind of internet - you might know it better as God or Source).

Please consider it an invitation to think about exactly what baggage, what worries, what old ideas you’re dragging around with you, what programmes you’re running (and imposing on other people).

The full moon is the perfect time to put these things down, because unless they are part of your healing process, or unless they are bringing you joy, they most likely aren’t serving you at all.

Remember – no matter what the matter is, we are not victims.

How we choose to respond to life and how we choose to create our lives is 100% up to us.

Now is as good a time as any: it’s time to let go. Let’s do it!

TIME TO LET GO

As the moon she waxes
I hear her call
For she’s got a message for me: 
It’s about letting go, surrender, release
All regrets of what wasn’t to be.

You see the pain in my neck,
The thorn in my side,
The graze on my palms and my knee, 
Wounded pride, broken heart,
The tension, the grief,
Are all symptoms of what I don’t want to see. 

You see the root of my pain
Is a long-held belief
That I must fight to be heard,
That I’m not good enough,
That I’m far, far too much,
That I’m never the one that’s preferred. 

And although I’ve created
These pains in my heart,
They keep me from reaching my goal:
My mind’s fighting so hard
To always be right
That it drowns out the song of my soul.

The wounding, you see,
Tells me the others are wrong,
That they are the enemy within;
But this conviction I have,
It blinkers my sight,
Makes me blind to my very own sin. 

As the moon, she calls me,
She asks me to rest,
To consider my journey thus far;
To reflect on those times
When I’ve not quite done my best,
Stopped living my life through my heart.

“Remember”, she whispers,
“When you were young
You were joyful and so was your world,
You didn’t judge others,
You loved one and all
As deep peace around you unfurled.

You see, my dear
Life is not what you thought -
Ancestral twine binds you of old:
To follow in line,
To present the right face -
A contract which you have been sold.

But these feelings of anger,
Of loss and of spite,
Resentment, fear and of blame 
Aren’t the truth of your soul - 
Keep your frequency low
With an underlying current of shame.

When you truly know love
And that you are divine
Then you will start to begin
To forgive and forget,
To stand in your light,
And to treat others as though they’re your kin.

The message I offer
Is that you are pure love.
But you can only experience light 
When you focus within 
And embrace your whole self:
With acceptance you will shine bright.”

As the moon, she waxes,
I hear her call
For she’s got a message for me:
It’s about letting go,
And loving myself,
For how I see others
Is how they too see me.

Please share with us what this means to you!

Don’t forget - you are already perfect & life is a gift.

Might as well make the best of it, no?

Find me on:

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FB (@LuluBelleUK)

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& here on Substack (@lulubelleuk).

In the video, to accompany the poem, is a kitten that adopted us in Guatemala. We named him Little Ted.

At first here he is still very young & then you can see him just a little bit older, but still only a few months old. 🐱

There is a story in the ethers about Little Ted: he brought much joy & many early morning awakenings into our time with him!!

Then when he left us he went missing in the wilds for two long weeks before he rescued himself, finding a new home to adopt him, which is where he lives now!😍

But this poem isnt about Little Ted. It’s about YOU!!

The message is that you are already whole. You are already everything you want to be.

You already have your heart’s desire within your grasp… You just need to get clear on what it is that you want & to believe in yourself (more on this to come…)

Enjoy ❤️

A breath of fresh air.

Air crisp, clear and bright,
Foundation of life,
Come sit by my side and breathe_
A breath of fresh air
Deep into your lungs
As you open your heart to receive.

All that you seek, love,
You already are -
Trust in the wisdom within;
Life’s path will reveal
Each next step to you;
Don’t try to end before you begin.

For the secret of life
Is not where it ends
But is the journey of life itself;
Do what lights you up
And stay true to your heart,
Only then will you realise Wealth.

As you drink in this air
Let it nourish your lungs
As you open your heart and receive;
All that you seek, love,
Is already yours -
Simply close both your eyes and believe.

Please tell us what this means to you.

Don’t forget - you are already perfect & you are dearly loved - yes, you!

Find me on:

YT (@Rememberingwhoiam)

FB (@LuluBelleUK)

Instagram (@lulu_belle_uk)

TikTok (@lulubelleuk4)

& on Substack (@lulubelleuk).

I hope that you’ve been enjoying these emails!

The pixies have been telling me that not all of them have been opened… 🧚

I do hope that you will find time to catch up with them… otherwise I may be tapping on your window as I look for inspiration for my next poem…

I’m sure you wouldn’t like to be the butt of my next poem, now wouldn’t you? 😁

In this poem you can hear about how we were plagued by some pesky flies! 🪰

They were very lazy flies which made it much easier to apply the dreaded fly swat to their backsides. Those which were not swatted were glued to the fly paper instead! 🪰

The fly papers hung casually here or there meant that we had to mind our heads - not only because of the low doorways, but also because of the potential for getting STUCK!!!

GLUED to the paper ourselves… and I can tell you - that glue is not to be under estimated!!

It got me unstuck on MORE THAN ONE occasion!

As we packed our bags and prepared to leave, having unveiled the skull (did you watch that video?) it was clear that the fly hotel also needed our attention.

That was the inspiration behind this, my latest poem: Fly Hotel. 🪰

Please read along, enjoy and make sure this poem sticks by passing it on to all of your most sticky friends!!

And please share below your own sticky-experiences.

Now, where were we… oh, yes -

Fly Hotel  🪰
Where did you come from, 
Big black fly? 
You just turned up in my space; 
Uninvited guest buzzing in my face!
But suspended in the window
There hangs a fresh fly paper 
Waiting for it’s quarry
To despatch it to it’s maker.
A sticky, shiny ribbon
Hangs down from up on high,
Alluring with it’s sweetness,
Entrapment for a fly!
As I’ve just prepared a feast
Don’t think I can be blamed -
As I see it flying nearer
Murderous thoughts are entertained!
As it rubs it’s legs together
It’s eye is on my food…
What it’s got planned for my lunch
Is nothing short of rude!
Fly – I invite you to consider
Checking in elsewhere instead,
But I’ve something nice and sticky
If you’re waiting to be fed!
Awaiting your own pleasure
Hangs a twist of sweet temptation,
Already host to other guests
Of your generation..
All sticky, shiny, bright;
A welcome you’d not believe;
But like the Hotel California -
You can check in but never leave!!!

By Lulu Belle UK; October, 2025

With much love & stickiness from Lulu Belle & any flies that remaineth 💕🪰

Find me on:

Substack (@lulubelleuk)

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YT (@Rememberingwhoiam)

FB (@LuluBelleUK)

Instagram (@lulu_belle_uk).

I wrote this poem yesterday as a positive expression of some anger I’ve been carrying. 💢 😒😠

The house we are staying in for September here in a tiny hamlet just outside Ollantaytambo, Peru, is a dusty hovel with no heating (it stopped working before we moved in) so we are sharing one hot water bottle between us.

It’s cold here as we are 3000 metres-ish above sea level. 🥶

The lady, who is English like us, has been nothing but mean & suspicious towards us even though we have been as willing & friendly as can be - we came to know of her through a personal introduction, we are not random strangers. For some reason, long before we ever crossed her path, she decided that people like us couldn’t be trusted, and she has been treating us accordingly since we moved in. 😠

Because of this my teeth have been gritted for the last fortnight & I feel like thumping her. Sorry!!!!!! 🤬

But of course that won’t help the situation & neither of us fancies moving again just yet.

So instead I have written a poem for you to help me process it, which I hope you will enjoy!

Roots & Thistles

By Lulu Belle UK in Peru, 15th September, 2025

As I walk through life 
I keep my feet on the earth 
And I do my best to stay grounded;
As I speak my truth,
I stay in my lane,
Live the values on which [my] life is founded.

But from time to time
A freak gust of wind blows in,
Catches hold and throws me asunder;
Calm waters now rage,
My defences are up,
And I find I've been thrown off my centre.

Where once I was rooted,
Now I'm flying about
In a rage which is making me bristle,
I met someone this week
Who mistreated me:
A prickly pear, an unhappy thistle.

My instinct kicks in,
Wants to put up a fight,
Wants to put her right back in her place;
But I know in my heart
That this won't serve me well
As my soul seeks a journey of grace.

The process for me
Is about keeping my cool
And not throwing fuel on the fire,
To stand in my light,
As I pity the pain
That makes her see all men as liars.

There are those in life
Who are rooted so deep 
That they naturally trust in the heart,
That even when wronged
They can still see the light,
And are willing to make a new start.

Then there are those
Who struggle to trust,
Who think that the world is against them;
But it's our task to smile 
And show them the way
So they can feel that loving momentum.

There are roots and thistles,
Thistles and roots,
Both grow as the rains on them fall.
They each serve their purpose,
Have their own gifts to share,
For the garden embraces them all. 

We are slowly travelling around Latin America showing the dispossessed how we can all make our dreams come true ❤️

Find us on Substack (@lulubelleuk)

TikTok (@lulubelleuk4)

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Instagram (@lulu_belle_uk).

#rememberingwhoiam #livingmydream #custardapples #fun #consciousliving #atasteofmyownmedicine

I call it spiritual mush!

Please enjoy my poem &, if you feel like it, I encourage you to practice the principles which resonate most in your heart!

Spiritual Mush!

If I'm you and you're me (plus he)

Does that make us 1- or 3?

If I'm left (from right) and you're right (from wrong)

Who’s going to sing my song?

If we're white & black, dark & light

It doesn't mean we have to fight!

Who suffers more, me or you,

When we cook up this separation-stew?

Must life be all polarity?

Or could the truth really be

That Im you & you are me?

There's no need for any fuss

Once we expand our consciousness.

Once we realise that life's a gift

Reality starts to shift...

Before you know it, life's a breeze

And you notice the whispers of the trees;

Signposts pointing everywhere

To gifts of wonder, gifts to share;

Clean air to breathe, water to drink;

Even with dishes in the sink;

A job to do, a bill to pay -

Look out! Wake up! There's another way!

Appreciation for the smallest thing;

Overlooking a neighbour’s din;

Gratitude for a long hot bath;

Smiling when your best friend laughs;

Finding peace in the sunrise;

Light reflected from the skies;

A particular shade of leafy green;

Bees as they serenade their Queen,

The steady beat of your own heart -

Feel the calm that this imparts.

Life does not have to be

A whirling vortex or calamity.

It's not about who's right or wrong,

Or who wrote the tune to this old song,

Because a song ought to be shared

As two halves ought to be paired.

Light with dark still works well;

Heaven is not separate from hell;

It’s just the way that things can be,

No need for this duality!

Although we're all in one big mix

It’s not a mess for us to fix.

Just enjoy each moment, for there’s no rush:

For we are all just one big spiritual mush!

Thanks for reading my poem! 💕

Please share this with any other mush-puppies on your radar! 🐶

Share A taste of my own medicine

We wanted to share this recipe with you which is a great heart-warmer to get your blood pumping.

We enjoy this first thing in the mornings.

If that’s when you break your fast too, why not try it then too!

With it’s roots going back 4,500 years ago to the world of Ayurveda and the medicinal use of turmeric, there is huge potential to vary the recipe to suit your particular health requirements, taste preferences, or depending on what’s available to you locally.

In the video above we made a pot to last us for a few days but we suggest you find the approach that suits you best. You could make a batch up to keep in the fridge to dip into when you feel like it, or you could make it daily.

To save time in the mornings you could make it up the night before and keep it piping hot in a flask overnight, ready to take as a tonic on waking in the morning, or soon thereafter.

As with anything healthful, the best way to do it is the way you will actually do it! The best way to do it is to do it YOUR WAY!

The healthy fats in it will make you feel sated & will kick-start your brain function, getting your neurons firing.

The protein will keep you going for several hours & will support your gut health & connective tissue & muscles.

The turmeric + fats combined with pepper & the heat of the hot water will treat your system to a bio-available anti-inflammatory delight.

The citric elements combined with the sweetness of the honey, the spice and the salt will get your tastebuds waggling & will lower your insulin resistance (or something like that!)

What’s not to love!

Shlurp! Shlurp! 😋 You’re welcome!!

With love from Lulu Belle UK xx

This post is about using affirmations to re-wire the mind,

to re-write the programme that’s running inside your noodle!

Time for a mind upgrade!!!

There’s always room for improvement, for a fresh start, n’est-ce pas?

There’s something about a fresh start that feels good, and this week’s new moon offers the chance to wipe the slate clean.

Unlike the full moon, which is all about release and reflection, the new moon marks the beginning of a new lunar cycle.

It’s a good time to pause, re-set, and get clear on what we really want…

Whether it’s a small shift to be called in, or if there are big goals on the horizon, the energy of the new moon, whose phases are linked to emotional and energetic shifts, supports the planting of new seeds, inward focus and new beginnings, especially when paired with intentional affirmations.

Just like the tides, we’re affected by the moon’s gravitational pull (we’re mostly water, after all), so the time is right to use this energy for good.

I think of it as a monthly check-in with myself: a moment to tune in, re-focus, and say to myself “This is where I’m headed” as the dark sky of the new moon offers a quiet, reflective space to set intentions and to visualize what we want to grow.

It's nature’s gentle reminder to slow down, breathe, and decide what matters most.

As with visualisation (or mental rehearsal), we can work with affirmations to create experiences in the mind or to re-write beliefs we hold about ourselves.

Athletes imagine themselves in races —seeing the route, hearing the sounds, feeling their body move efficiently—while staying calm and focused. And there is a lot of documented evidence to support the efficacy of this practice.

Since the body doesn’t know the difference between what is imagined and what is real we can use affirmations and visualisation to see success in the mind which builds actual physiological upgrades, motivation and commitment. Mental blocks can be cleared in this way.

With frequent repetition neural pathways are built which catapult us towards whatever it is we set out to achieve. It can be really powerful!

I have written some broad affirmations that anyone could use, but it’s far more powerful to tune into what you’d like to work towards and to write your own. Even if it’s only one or two to be used like a power-phrase or a mantra.

Especially when things get heavy, it can really help to have a stock affirmation ready to go!

Below is an audio link to a recording of these affirmations to start you off with no additional commentary…

.But even better would be to record some of these affirmations, or your own, using the voice recorder on your phone. Then listen to them through your headphones as you go about your day or as your drift off to sleep.

Here we go!

ABUNDANCE

1. I live with an open heart.

2. I welcome joy and abundance into my life.

3. I feel supported by the world around me.

4. I feel connected to everything and everyone.

5. I take things as they come and I trust the process.

6. Money flows to me in many ways and I have all that I need.

7. I breathe deeply and feel thankful for the good in my life.

INNER SELF

1. I feel calm, confident, and balanced.

2. I stay motivated and act when needed.

3. I know what’s true for me, even if it’s not always said out loud.

4. I trust my gut feelings.

5. I believe in myself.

6. I treat others with kindness and understanding.

7. I’m gentle with myself and I let go of guilt.

8. I show up with kindness and generosity.

9. I support the people in my life.

10. I ask for what I need and I stay open to receiving it, knowing it’s okay if the answer is no.

11. I grow by learning from both my own experiences and those of others.

12. I carry myself with quiet confidence and self-respect.

SPEECH & THINKING

1. I pause and think before I speak.

2. I say what I really feel.

3. I speak honestly, clearly, and kindly.

4. I express myself in a way that’s easy to understand.

5. I communicate in a way that resonates with others.

6. I stand by my word.

7. I think quickly and am flexible in my thinking.

8. I know when to speak and when to listen.

MEMORY

1. My memory is strong and accurate.

2. I remember names and places easily.

3. I find my way around with ease.

4. I remember important details and experiences.

5. I pick up new skills quickly and enjoy putting them into practice.

ENERGY

1. I eat when I’m hungry.

2. I enjoy food in a balanced way.

3. What I eat gives me energy and strength.

4. I make choices that feel good for my body.

5. My gut supports my physical and mental health.

6. I enjoy moving my body each day in the way that it needs.

7. My body feels strong, flexible, and alive.

8. My breath calms and energizes me.

9. I use breath and movement to shift my energy.

10. I deal with emotions in a healthy way.

11. I allow stale and heavy energy to move through me for release.

12. I feel grounded and steady.

13. I reconnect with the earth every day.

14. I listen to what my body and mind need—and give it to them.

15. I trust and enable my body’s natural ability to heal.

16. I make space for peace and presence in my daily life.

17. Each day I gain more clarity and focus.

18. I stay aware and maintain healthy boundaries.

SENSES

1. I live in the present moment.

2. I trust my intuition and inner senses and I use them with confidence.

3. I develop my natural gifts and I use them for good.

4. I have great ideas and turn them into practical offerings.

5. I stay connected to light and positive energy which also lifts me up.

6. I practice gratitude for all the good in my life.

7. I remember my dreams and learn from them.

8. I use my dreams to heal, explore, and grow.

9. I carry wisdom from past experiences into the present.

COMMUNITY

1. I work well with others and enjoy collaboration with them.

2. The right people come into my life at the right time, and we grow together.

3. My energy helps others feel calm, inspired, and at ease.

4. I respect other people’s choices and boundaries.

5. I take joy in both my own path and the journeys of others.

6. I accept what is, with grace and humility.

SOUL

1. I am creative, peaceful, and I am always learning.

2. I follow the path in life which brings me the greatest joy.

3. I live in tune with my purpose, and by doing so, I inspire others to do the same.

4. I am enough, just as I am right now.

Thank you for reading this article!

Please share it with anyone who you think could use a little re-wiring…

As I grow older, if there is one thing I have been shown time & time again, it’s the importance of being true to myself.

Of following my own heart, not someone else’s - for down that road happiness does not lie.

In life I have been trained to present well, to speak well, to adapt, to accommodate, to participate, to emulate. And yet while this gave me valuable life-skills, it didn’t bring me a sense of being authentically myself.

What it brought me was the sense that I was not good enough.

And in this I am not alone.

But how ridiculous - we can’t all be not good enough, can we?

Below is a poem I wrote about it:

I’m Not For Everyone.

There's a hard fact of life 
Which I have had to learn;
Time and time again
I've had my fingers burned. 

You see I want to love,
I want people to like me,
But the truth of the matter
Is that this can't always be. 

Each new person that I meet
Might be a brand new friend,
But if I'm not their cup of tea,
Im sure I'll drive them round the bend!

My energy vibrates
At a certain frequency –
For some this is most welcome,
Some respond with enmity.

Some love my playfulness,
While some wish I'd act my age,
But it's not a choice I make, 
It's just the moment that I gauge.

To be authentic in myself
An essential step to take;
Some will love me more 
While others hesitate.

But I find some people heavy,
Stuck in their own groove,
So that when our paths crossover
I feel compelled to move.

Some I meet are scattered,
With energy like air,
As I try to talk with them 
Their attention's everywhere!

Some types that I encounter
Have an energy like fire,
These folk I try to sidestep
Lest I get burned on their pyre.

Some people like to chatter,
Love the sound of their own voice;
Then I like to walk on by
When I have the choice.

But there are those I find
Who feel like an old friend,
And soon as we connect 
My heart begins to mend.

And so this fact of life
Which I have come to see
Is the world is made of all sorts,
Not all are meant for me.

Tolerance, acceptance,
Principles for me,
If my smile isn’t returned, 
I can always flee!

So the lesson I have learned
Is to love all types I meet,
But if they really bother me, 
I've always got my feet!!! 

Thank you for reading my poem!

Please share this with any lovely weirdos & oddballs on your radar!

Previous posts:

- click this link to see what it’s all ABOUT.

Dear Tasters..

Thank you for being here with me – it means a LOT!

Don’t panic - I don’t want you to buy anything!!!

Generally speaking my writing here is about doing for myself the things that I wouldn’t hesitate to urge someone else to do - hence a taste of my own medicine.

And the medicine is to inspire life-changing action, however great or small, incrementally or in massive leaps, in whichever one of us feels sufficiently inspired!

But before we get into that, I’d like to apologise because I’m late.

A year late at least.

You see I’ve had stage fright. Performance anxiety stemming from a fear of being ‘seen’ in case it leads to criticism. And like most of us, my antennae are finely tuned to detect criticism. It’s a childhood thing - I’m sure it sounds familiar!

But now I’m ready to take the risk because it’s high time and I would like to lead by example [scroll right down for part 2].

1. Procrastination, the art of

In May, 2024, after around two years of preparation for our departure (by which I mean an unplanned bumbling, which suddenly evolved into a vague but definite gearing up of momentum, culminating in a mad dash against the clock once tickets had been booked, only just making it to the airport in time) Big Ted (code name for my partner) and I left home for good.

Just over a year ago.

Big Ted with the intention of getting back into his rhythm as a human being instead of a human doing. Me, with the intention of starting my writing journey in earnest.

That was when I discovered a big fat mental block which had been trailing along behind me, only visible in my rear view mirror: Procrastination.

That a-cursed Procrastination! A skill I have refined by leaving things, any thing, right up until the last minute again and again over the years, inevitably followed by a huge panic to get the ‘thing’ done in too short a space of time, resulting in unnecessary stress plus the inevitable sleepless nights, rounding off with a sub-optimal result!!

My habitual approach to life.

Why else has it taken me 13.5 months to show up here?

My old friend Procrastination, hand in hand with that other bitch Perfectionism. Those parts of me that come up when there is something meaningful to be done.

Something significant.

Something that whiffs of WORK, in the broader sense.

Something that might involve EFFORT.

BUT was it even procrastination though. Or was it avoidance?

A-void-dance.

A dance in the void.

To be fair I have had a million other things to do since setting off from Blighty... Or have I???

The point of leaving home for good was to leave my old stories behind; my work, my commitments, my ever-growing, ever-evolving jobs list: all that now-meant-to-be-obsolete baggage.

Yet I didn’t.

Instead I brought it all with me.

I dragged it behind me, never quite settling into the joy of having finally made my escape from the drudgery of life in the UK. Escape - something I had been dreaming of for a long time.

When we landed in El Salvador they were positively overjoyed to see us at the airport (not necessarily us personally, although there were big smiles all round as we beamed our way through immigration)..

But us as two weary- but wide- eyed travellers representing tourist dollars from The West.

As we passed through customs they didn’t stop me to inspect the weighty emotional baggage that I was dragging behind me. They just cheerfully waved us on through, gifting us three months more on our visas than we had been expecting.

And so I started juggling it all, landing on a strange continent for the first time, the fabled Latin America, land of hopes & dreams.

Juggling all the old stuff PLUS the new stuff. Like choosing where to go first. Then where to go next. Then how to get there. Then finding places to stay at. Then how to get cash out. Then where to hide it from potential banditos (none so far). Then where to eat each meal each day. All mini projects in themselves.

And what that meant was that I was as busy here as I had been at home.

And what that meant was that I didn’t have time to embrace the very thing that I had set off to do. Which was:

1. to remember who I am* &

2. to write.

To write.

*Remembering who I am is the name of my other newsletter: light-hearted stories about our adventures on the road.  Please subscribe!

Writing as a means to examine my mind, heart and soul, not to mention my conscience and consciousness…

And then to share it. Eek!

For me writing is the only way to get clarity on the contents of my perpetually whirring brain. I have side-lined it for many years but now it is, as they say, choice-less.

The unavoidable compulsion to write is upon me.

The process of extracting the machinations, computations, obligations and obfuscations from my frontal lobe via the written word is my new essential therapy.

It is only via a written extraction that I’m able to begin to make sense of what is going on ‘in there’. Or out there. Or anywhere, for that matter.

Mental downloads in every sense.

And yet here we are: 13.5 months on and I’m only just starting.

Performance anxiety, pre-empted by a severe case of avoidance, hidden behind a veil of procrastination coupled with perfectionist tendencies whilst simultaneously distracted by having an EXTREMELY BUSY LIFE!!!

I have always secretly wondered how people with children manage! Massive kudos to them!

So I am still waking up in the mornings feeling the weight of anxiety wrapped around my middle. Anxiety which comes from commitment, duty, attachment to stuff, with an undercurrent of guilt for having left.

You know – all the heavy stuff that weighs us down and muffles the joy. Stifles it, in fact (because joy is either joy or it isn’t). Until the prospect of being joyful receded into more of a distant aspiration instead of an almost-reality.

So why start now?

Sadly, the reason that I have finally sat down to ‘get on with it’ is because a couple of weeks or so ago one of my much loved friends, Chaz, stepped off this worldy plane and onto some other dimension. And only a few days ago his brother left too. How sad this is.

Chaz’s departure gave me the courage to sit down here to write some words to honour him. I wrote about him for me, of course, but it was for him too. I wanted people to hear a bit more of his story, the part about us. You can read it here: My Chaz Story. Thank you, Chaz, for giving me cause to get down to it at long last. “Helpful Ch”, he would have said!

In El Salvador I made some You Tube videos which I sent Chaz for his viewing pleasure at . His singular response was “Make them more pithy”, a directive which I have taken to heart. Therefore I will endeavour to minimise the fluff on this page and to maximise the pith, in honour of Chaz.

And to honour my blossoming writer-friend Beth Parker (you heard her name here first!) I will endeavour to use as few words as possible (this is hard for me as I do like to go round the houses, just like my Dad who was an accomplished waffler).

At lunchtime on Christmas day my father also checked out. My mum, sister & I were holding his hand.

Another shattering loss underlining for me the importance of living now.

Living right now.

Living in the now.

“As a matter of some urgency” as my Dad would have said in his unique Dad-way.

Tick tock.

Which brings me to my second point which is about:

2. Soul purpose.

The thing that my entire life has been geared towards is my soul purpose.

Even when I didn’t know what a soul purpose was and I constantly took wrong turns and got lost without even knowing I was lost - even then my purpose in life was patiently sitting there, waiting for me to wake up to it. Waiting for me to get with the programme and act on it.

So that’s why I left the UK: to live my soul purpose while there is time, without any further distractions.

If this is making you worry that you might be late for fulfilling yours, don’t worry, you’re not late. You’re right on time!

And so what is it?

My soul purpose is to be an inspiration to others simply by being myself as authentically as I can be. By shining my light as brightly and unashamedly as I can muster in any and every given moment, no matter what. And my plan is to do this by expressing myself through my creativity.

Starting here.

That’s it!

In doing this, it is my greatest desire to be a subtle but positive influence on those who would be inspired (not in a Jedi-mind-control way though, fear not).

My wish is to motivate you to step up and do your thing, whatever that may be.

You’ll know it when you’ve got it because you won’t be able to ignore it. It’ll weedle it’s way into your dreams and it’ll turn up unexpectedly in your waking thoughts, nagging at you.

And so with the post-humous encouragement of my recently passed loved ones, the urgings of my inner exhibitionist, and the apings of my inner performing monkey, I am stepping up to the mark right here, right now, in front of you. As an example. Walking my talk.

I am holding myself accountable to you in my journey of the expression of my creativity.

And I am inviting you to join me.

If this rings true for you in any way, dear Taster, please consider stepping towards whatever it is that your soul is calling for you to do but that you have not yet heeded for some reason.

Perhaps something creative, something expansive, something energetic, something practical, something lunatic, something deeply personal, something potentially transformative, something that will wrap itself like a beautiful embrace around those you love most fiercely…

What is it that has been lurking in your peripheral vision, beckoning to you?

Sit with it.

Then when you’re feeling brave enough, let it be you who takes the lead and steps up as an example to your beloveds. Let it be you.

It’s time.

LIFE IS SHORT.

Let’s do this.

Link to video version of eulogy

I was told (by Chaz) that he got his nickname because of his large beak. But even as I write this I'm remembering that it wasn’t just his nose that he was nick-named after Charles for. I believe his protuberant ears had something to do with it too! But neither detracted from his charm.

Even now I can hear him calling me a cheeky 'mare for casting aspersions on him being a good looking guy! “Handsome Ch!” he’d say with a sniff, giving his hair a flick and walking off with a slight mince. Chaz to many of his friends, he often referred to himself as “Ch”.

Sensitive, sentimental, emotional, loyal, kind, funny, thoughtful, inclusive, elusive, with an excellent memory, albeit selective (“Ostrich Ch”, he would say), a sharp wit which sometimes came with a sharp tongue, Chaz used to crack us all up with his comments, observations, and blatant piss takes. I'd like to say his jokes cut close to the bone, but truth be told he thought nothing of trampling all over propriety, and that was a large part of what made him so funny.

He used to slip jokes into the conversation which would catch me unawares, like how I’d once got it in my head that he was living in accommodation for the homeless. Still regretting that one!

Chaz had easy access to a healthy punk-rock anger which was countered by his deep sentimentality with tears often close to the surface, an acerbic wit, and frequently an air of feigned innocence!

He loved with an open-hearted ferocity that couldn’t be missed. Chaz would cry easily & openly whenever he thought of other friends who have fallen like Debs, Blink’s Julie, Rich Lalka, Andy Charlotte & Keith Penny.

Like Phil Tagger Taylor, our other Leicester-farai friend who also left too soon, I think it’d be accurate to describe Chaz as a LEGEND.

I first met Chaz on a night out in Leicester in 1998 when I asked Melissa to introduce us. Chaz and I then spent a bit of time together checking each other out until I plucked up the courage to kiss him in front of everyone one summer's evening in the old Vingt-Quatre bar on New Walk. Everyone cheered and clapped us, which caused us both much embarrassed sheepishness with smiles all round!

That was the start of a three year romantic relationship, and a friendship which endured right up until the end, with Chaz being one of the most influential people in my life, a cornerstone in it, in fact.

At the time I was working at BT and used to pass Chaz gardening at St. Vaughan's College on my way to work in the mornings. He used to drop his strimmer and come bounding over, earphones round his neck, hair flying, full of the enthusiasm of new love.

Later Chaz had moved to Tyrrell Street with some friends, where I also ended up living - that was until we got evicted for not paying the rent! I had been paying my share each month but it turned out that no one else had & of course no one had mentioned it... This hadn’t come under scrutiny until the agent tried to evict a guy down the road in one of the landlord’s other properties when they realised their oversight! And so it was us who were “asked to leave”.

That was my first and only formal experience in getting evicted. And that was when I learned some valuable life lessons along the lines of never answering the door without prior arrangement, always leaving the house via the side alley, and always first checking who was coming up the street before ever setting a foot outside!

Chaz used to live on a diet of Weetabix, and he’d spend ages getting his hair just right before we could leave the house. I don't think that changed much as the years went by. He’d always complain of a slight “bobble” sticking up on his head, or of the thinning parts showing through.

To counter that though, once out, if the sun was shining and the birds were singing and everything was ayrie Chaz would walk with a swagger which came with self-confidence and an appetite for life and at those times there was always a twinkle in his bright blue eyes. He was instantly recognizable by his eyes, long dreads and good looks, and I was proud to be seen with him.

Chaz opened up my world in a way that only he could have. He introduced me to ‘Rastafari’ music. We used to go one-foot skanking at The Charlotte and say hello to all the Rastas, which I’d never have dared to do on my own, but he knew them all.

He introduced me to people all over Leicester – to the cool folk, to the squares, the bus drivers, the travellers, the punks, the grebos, the rock n rollers, the homeless, I think to most of the wrong ‘uns, and probably to most of the people at his upcoming celebration of life. Hi everyone!

Chaz inspired in me an already burgeoning potential for fun, excitement, dance, independence, freedom and self-confidence in ways that were new to me. He opened up my horizons in the most positive way at a time when I was ripe for it.

Although I missed the legendary trip-to-Cornwall-for-the-eclipse-escapade, we used to go to all kinds of events like free parties which I’d never been to before, and in 2000 we drove in convoy down to the last 'proper' Glastonbury. 21 of us without a single ticket between us…

…That was until Dougie scored 20 tickets from Michael Eavis himself up in the travellers field, which led to a game of Pontoon to see which one of us would be going over the fence, and of course it was Chaz… We were safely on the inside and Chaz was on the outside. But there was a guy sleeping off his excess at the foot of what was now Chaz’s side of the fence, with the rest of us all heckling Chaz to hop over and join us. But the fence was too high even for a lanky fellow like him, so he woke the guy up for a leg up and over.

And then we were all in, in it together. It was mayhem. It was magical.

And I think it was probably the last time we did anything like that all together.

Later on in our relationship we moved to Seville, southern Spain, together where I was planning to teach English and where Chaz got a reciprocal dole arrangement. We had lots of adventures in the sunshine with only minimal Spanish between us, mainly mine.

Friends came to visit us while we were there, excuses for afternoons pedloe-ing on the Guadalquivir River with picnics and endless cartons of cheap red wine, a few trips to the coast, and a couple of incidents in which we left two different guest houses at very short notice under the impression that the Spanish police were being called to see us on our way!!

It goes without saying that we were always totally innocent, but we beat a hasty retreat nonetheless as we didn’t fancy our chances debating our innocence with the Spanish policia!

Another time we were sitting outside a bar in the sunshine having a drink when we noticed a disturbance coming our way. What we saw was a highly inebriated one-legged tramp working his way along the street harassing everyone for cash with foul language and even more foul smells. As we were out in polite society for once, no one at the bar seemed to know what the correct behaviour was to see off a foul-smelling tramp who had limited mobility without causing offence - but of course Chaz knew!

As the tramp approached us with a wobble, fixing his boozey eyes on me, Chaz picked up our aluminium table using it as a shield to get the tramp to move along, which he did, but not before falling over at our feet leaving us in fits of giggles in the midst of the shocked (but we liked to think admiring) Spaniards. After that we discussed the ethics of knocking one-legged men over with tables many times over the years, always in fits of giggles.

Just before the Millennium we had been planning to go to Ireland for NYE to visit Kip who Chaz always spoke of with huge love, as he did all of his mates. But it wasn’t to happen because on boxing day morning that year I got bitten across my eyes by a Boxer dog, which meant an overnight stay in hospital in Mansfield for stitches. All I wanted was to get to Chaz who was stuck in Leicester without any wheels.

I remember that night was freezing cold and there were no buses or taxis running until the next day. Chaz spent hours on the phone trying to find a means to get to me as he didn’t drive, finally turning up freezing cold in just a denim jacket, only to be kicked out by my mum into the freezing wilds the next day.

Then Steve came to the rescue. Together they took me back to Leicester where Chaz took care of me for weeks until I could open my eyes again.

Chaz had huge capacity for patience IF the planets were correctly aligned! For example we drove to Coventry and back several times together one weekend just so that I could be ready to tackle the one-way system by myself when I started a course there on the Monday.

We managed a couple of car boot sales on the rare occasions when we could get up early enough to get a pitch, always armed with a car boot full of old tat, some sandwiches, and a bottle of gin.

There were also camping trips (when he turned up!) with friends & laughs a-plenty.

A prolific letter writer, he wrote me hundreds of letters & notes over the years which I will re-read soon, no doubt with tears running down my face.

We used to refer to Chaz as Lord Lucan. We'd make arrangements to meet up knowing full well that he may or may not turn up, & if he did turn up, it'd be on his terms.

I can see him now sauntering across the park, a rollie in one hand, a beer in the other with a spare beer in the leg pocket of his camo trousers, shades on, hair swinging behind him, cool and confident, stopping to greet every other person in his path as he knew pretty much everyone across Leicester, until he'd arrive at our group all innocence and excuses while we'd take the piss out of him before the day's shenanigans would commence.

Chaz became more & more selective about when he'd grace us with his presence, and because life did what life does, we all moved on while Chaz spent more and more time at home, which meant that those occasions when we did get together grew ever more precious.

But if he did come, it was guaranteed that after an hour or so Chaz would look around shiftily, say he was off to the loo, and then he’d leg it out the back door and scoot off home before anyone could stop him.

Despite a ready temper which could flare up unexpectedly, his finely tuned yet ‘flexible’ sense of morality could be tailored to fit any circumstances!! His broad knowledge and undeniable intelligence were kept up to date as he’d go to sleep at night listening to Radio 4 drifting over the airwaves, with Star Trek as his lodestar in the background during the day.

Chaz made time for everyone - even the ones who lacked cool or confidence. He took the trouble to include each one of us, greeting us all like long-lost buddies, unless he didn’t like you - in which case you knew about it as he’d treat you to a snarl with an unflattering remark!

His capacity for kindness and empathy was astonishing and seem to be the characteristics he is most remembered for. As Rossi said this week, it was always better when Chaz was there.

It wouldn’t be true if I didn’t say that life with Chaz could be challenging. He didn't so much struggle with addiction as embrace it as a lifestyle choice. He knew what he was getting into, in so far as we can ever know what something is before we actually live the experience ourselves.

I think that for the most part he lived his choices with a certain finesse that was typical of him. That was the backdrop to his adult life-story. It was something that he chose again and again, whilst always keeping it within certain bounds. His friends had no choice but to accept it as one of his life choices, and so we loved him anyway, warts and all. And who doesn't want to be loved just as they are, without any conditions attached? I know I do.

Between us all I am sure we could tell a zillion stories with Chaz-featuring somewhere or other as either the protagonist, or sometimes as the antagonist. Wherever he’d feature in the tale, you'd end up with either a smirk, a smile, a splutter or a shocked expression on your face, that was for sure.

When I needed him, he was there for me, always giving me surprisingly good counsel after listening carefully to whatever it was that I might be working through - whilst interrupting constantly, which used to drive me bananas. A cornerstone of my early adult life, he taught me the absolute necessity of being true to myself at all times.

I've been worrying about losing Chaz for some time now, and now that the news I've been dreading has finally come, like everyone who knew him, I'm heart-broken.

And yet I find peace in the thought that at last he’s found release from all of his fears. I’m sure he’s looking on with a big smile as he cackles at our tears and at the surfacing memories left in his wake. Shining through the punch-in-the-guts ache of the loss, I carry indescribable gratitude for having had the honour of playing a role, alongside everyone else who knew him, in this man’s life. Gone, but forever in our hearts, as they say.

Rest in power. We love you.

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